The Shoe Story
It has been a while since I wrote. My ambition was to share something every week or at least every two weeks but that ambition has been woefully derailed this last month or so.
This is not to say I didn’t have thoughts to ramble on about. I have. However, the way they would have been written with my mind dealing with new stuff, would put me at risk of being declared certifiable even though at the onset I did put out a health warning by calling this blog ramblings, jumbled thoughts, musings etc etc.
So why shoes?
Like Chips, there is a deep story. So let me start with the present context to it. I love shoes and have an incurable addiction to them. The beauty is I know many out there share this addiction to greater or lesser degrees. I once made a very brave attempt to have a consultant “Organiser” come home to help me purge and try adopt this new age minimalistic approach to my wardrobe. Everything went well until she looked at my shoe wall. Not realising there was a lot of emotion attached to these accessories we adorn our feet with, she was very practical and self assured as she declared “Right, we need to deal with this - this is a real problem, we have to declutter!”
And so we started. I offered we start with the highest shelf because I knew we could get some quick wins there. That shelf is reserved for the “special occasion or just in case shoes” so I figured I could remove a couple, given their very limited use. Bottom line is we never got very far with this paid by the hour consultant as I hadn’t realised how I had so much emotional attachment to inanimate things called shoes. By the end of it she was rolling in laughter as I had a story for every pair of shoes, with comments as follows “ Oh no, those can’t go, those are my upcountry funeral shoes. Smart but functional and can withstand the rigour of going into those portable loos hired for such functions” or “My goodness those are my killer heels, to make a statement”. When she’d ask whether I can walk in them, my answer was “nooo, but I can arrive in them and find the nearest seat!”. There was even the “Go the distance shoes” the ones designed for when you are going to have a long day, trooping around. What stunned her most was the “favourite shoes” same shoe bought in every colour! Aaaah and we didn’t even touch the boots. Boots which I wear at best 20 times in a year. The ones headlining this blog are part of the latest collection, bought just because. I wore those boots to meet some friends, and one friend just looked at them, thoroughly bemused and kept saying, “Patricia those boots, I can’t”. I on the other hand when she said this, responded in an even more bemused and chuffed manner with “I can!”. Anyway I digress. Bottom line is, my paid Organiser Consultant’s goals were never achieved.
Long context setting, I know.
So if I was to go to therapy to unpack what this is all about, I can trace it back to my childhood, as it is with many experiences that later shape our adulthood.
Growing up, shoe purchases were reserved for Christmas and ‘back to school’. For Christmas it was not like you went to a store or stores and picked all that caught your eye. No, you had to find “The One” and be content. As a teenager the pressure for aspiring wannabe cool types like me was to find something that would catapult my image. Yes, I say wannabe because pre-teen I was gawky and nerdy which was called ‘swot’ in those days. I was also very near sighted requiring thick lens glasses to see. I needed to pivot very fast to achieve a remotely cool teenage me. Wearing contacts and yearning for fashionable shoes became the anchors for that pivot. But it was unfortunately not always possible to access those shoes, a critical ingredient in building my teenage self confidence and self esteem.
So this deep seated unfulfilled yearning was created. Consciously then subconsciously. There are other situations that further fuelled the insecurities, but that is not a story I will share.
I have learnt with life to draw parallels from experiences that happen somewhere in the past, and their subconscious implications later on. I am now formally anointing this implication as “The Void” created by circumstances that lead you to yearn for something which is unattainable, and how this shapes your desires, your aspirations, your personality and character. Or indeed the “The Void” created by the helplessness you may experience in situations early on in life which if profound enough, lead you to fight to never be in that situation again. Or the “Big Void” created when craving to be loved and when that’s denied to you, the resilience you build later in life, often masked with a cool unflappable exterior.
How many times do we read rags to riches stories which are a reflection of this. The person who in their youth looked through the grand gates of a home, starry eyed, and this giving them the indelible drive to create extraordinary things so they never ever have to be on the outside. Or people who experienced something painful when they were young and vow they will never let that happen in their watch again.
Just because I want to be a little provocative, I will mention the infamous Will Smith Oscar’s incident - and the argument that he watched helplessly as his mother was abused when he was young, and how that may have been what triggered the anger and violence in this incident.
Trying to understand some of the implications to what you do when this unattainable becomes accessible is my way of rationalising my shoe addiction.
My shoes, much as I believe are a frivolous, unmanageable and quite frankly ridiculous addiction, actually do something for me. They are my serotonin booster. My comforter in grief, mood lightener, no risk socialiser, de- overwhelmer, and self confidence builder.
Going to buy shoes is like going on that date that will not disappoint, because everything is possible. It’s even like being able to fall in love again and again with no real risk of being hurt or hurting someone. Every shoe shop presents a new thrill, endlessly trying to fill the unquenchable “Void”.
I would hazard a guess that most people have a secret (unconscious) void which is filled with a vice - good or bad. What I am proposing is that life is about acknowledging any void in your life and finding a harmless way to try fill it, if you can.
What is your Shoe Story?
